echoes

scattered thoughts holds me in its supreme command this day.
hearing distant echoes of the same longing in my soul
getting louder and louder 'till i just can't bear it on my own anymore
its become a spell i can't cry away
its become a pain that grips my soul
can't scream this pain away
chained in darkness i hide
only to find that i've lost the key
got swept away in a world of still born stars
finding myself back again in never never land
the world of my chimera

searching for the guardian to my soul
the keeper of my dreams
the anchor to my strength
the light i follow
should i stumble
should i fall

the one to hold me close
the one to take me back in his safe haven and breathe confidence in me
the one to wake me up from this nightmare world of my chimera
and just hold me close
© Ethel Sampang 2007

teaching me teach you

if i were a soldier.....
i'd fight through this rage

run >>>>>>>>>>>> it <<<<<<<<<<<<<
d
o
w
n
tear >>>>>>>>>>it<<<<<<<<<<<> up
break >>>>>>>>>>>>>it<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
d
o
w
n
beat >>>>>>>>>>>>>it<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
to a pulp

show you what it's like
to be the last to stand in a fight
show you how fierce i can be
teach you how wrong you are
show
you
how
------------>I<---------------
rage
rage
rage
against the darkness of the night

© Ethel Sampang 2007

tear me up
fold me
.........d
...........o
.............w
................n
scrunch me up
post me up on a wall
fold me in half
draw on me
paint over me
rip me out
...........scrunch me up
....................................and throw me away

better yet....
fold me into a thousand paper cranes
....lay me gently onto the sea
...............set me free
and grant me this one wish
© Ethel Sampang 2007

let go of me
keep your reasons for me to stay
i've heard it all before
l e t me g o
.........you no longer have a hold over me

let me go
it's time for you to save yourself from yourself
time for me to take care of myself

give me back my hand
i'm tired of holding yours through all of your tears
tired of fighting away all of your fears
tired of you having all of me

get out
get out
get...........
....................... out
................................. of my space
i don't need you here anymore

you take up too much space
..........and i can't take it anymore

give me back that lifeline
i'd rather be on my own
........than be with someone like you
© Ethel Sampang 2007

just one last goodbye

just wanted to say goodbye
...........one last time

to the one who held me close
to the one who wrapped me in his safe embrace
.........just one last goodbye

realised now.....
that i've let you go.....
not sure when this happened
......but it has

so now when i listen
i can barely hear the noble melody that is you

for what it's worth......
i loved you for what you are
......loved you with all that i had to give

a whispered farewell
to the memory of what once was
© Ethel Sampang 2007

pretzel shaped box

drawn away from never never land
a place for my soul to breathe
a home away from home
this lonely dreamers paradise

found myself lost
inside this pretzel shaped box
wondering round and round
this pretzel shaped box

cast me not away
save me from this box
i can't bear it all alone
say you'll be with me
coz i know i can't bear this all on my own

tired of hiding my fears away
cried enough tears to wash it all away
.............yet still i'm here
lost inside this pretzel shaped box
trying to find my way back to paradise

bound by my fears
blinded by the truth inside of me

just trying to find my way back to never never land
a place for my tired soul to rest
a home away from home
this lonely dreamers paradise.
© Ethel Sampang 2007

I've been away for some time and I didn't know it. I've put on the mask I wear so well and took a trip inside of myself and was lost at the chaos within. This raging tempest in me took me in its grip and carried me away.

I find myself at the centre.

My own heart breaking at the destruction I see within me.......layers upon layers of pain. Some burried for good, other much much older. And I wonder why they just won't heal.

Is this the reason why I strain so hard to see the beautyof the birds and the bees? Is this why I can barely hear the soft whispered conversation between the trees and the wind?

26th september 2007
wednesday 8ish pm
© Ethel Sampang 2007

21st august 2007
9ish pm

As I sit here reflecting......

Huddled against the cold, my mind looks inwards.

Oblivious to the steps of the individuals on their way home, the harried footsteps of couples as they try and make it to their dinner reservation on time........or the slow leisurely steps of a group of friends on their way for a short get together over drinks at a bar somewhere close. As each of them pass me by, faint echoes of their world brushes past me.

Just another nameless face in the sea of humanity.

It seems a lifetime has passed since the last time I've looked deep into myself. The previous times are too painful to remember.

Not because it's fresh.

Because upon looking back I got lost in the pain. In this time I had lost control.

I was scared, lonely confused and hurt beyond compare.

I don't know if I'm keeping it together.

Scared that I'll somehow loose the grip I've got.

Figuring out what it is I'm doing just to keep it together.

Lost.Broken.Empty.Fragmented.Desolate.Scared.

These are just a few words to describe the space I'm in right now.
© Ethel Sampang 2007

sssshhhh

sssshhhh
hold still
stay where you are
don't come any closer

a mournful melody of you
follows me this day
it's got me wrapped round tight
in its hollow embrace

i hear you calling
i see your your shadow in all the things
i say and do this day

even in death your love lingers on.....

ssshhh
stay where you are
don't come any closer

your presence in my mind
leads me to the softly spoken words
you gifted me as you
.............................. slowly
...........................................drifted
...................................................................away
from me

sssshhhh
stay where you are
don't come any closer

memories of you
is too much for me to bear right now

your presence in my heart
..........tortures me
...................kills me slowly
...........................breaking me down
...................................tearing me up
...........................................driving me insane

a pool of tears gathered from a phoenix
wasn't enough to save you

the desperate cries of my broken soul
couldn't bring you back

............even in death our bond stays strong

your presence at this time
makes my heart bleed
a thorn in my heart
a painful reminder of how much i miss you

even in death you draw me to your side
right down to that last time
..........as i watched them lay you down
on the soft brown earth
as i said my last goodbye

ssshhhh
hold still
stay where you are
don't come any closer

it hurts too damn much
to be missing you right now
© Ethel Sampang 2007

hey...

been sitting here a while, at a loss for your loss....

while previously i sat, thoughts swimming languidly amongst 'falling for Angles, only to rise to the sun.' until i read 'if i were a G U N'

as i think and feel for your loss. i pluck these words from the depths of my soul for you.....

"i'd be that Angel for you this day. swoop down to you and pluck you from the darkness of the rat race. take you for a ride as you freestyle amongst the clouds. take you to a space where your soul can take the breath it needs to lift the heaviness it carries. i'll take you back to where you lay, just before the waking world claims you back. but before i leave, i'll leave you with the memory of.........walking on clouds, freestyling away as your soul soars through the starlit sky. with an Angel shadowing your flight amongst the heavens, waiting until your soul has found the peace to breathe free from loss."

much love to you and yours

all is one and nothing is separate

had a passing thought of you as i lay me down to sleep this night.....random thoughts streaming through my head - innocence and sweet sacrifice were most dominat as they screamed through my head, bouncing and reverbrating inside my mind. don't ask me why right now, perhaps later i can tell you as i unpuzzle the heaviness that weighs my heart down this night.

had a totally laxing day with my two nephews - revelling and basking in their youthful innocence. giving them the love and adoration that their only living aunt/godmother could ever give.

but if i were really honest....all the things i did today was because on this day, my heart cried a deep longing for home. sydney. the place my soul is forever tied to.

...................and i thought of you because although your not in sydney, your as close to my 'home' as i will ever be right now. living and breathing in the place i call home.....and here i am.......living and breathing in good old auckland, as close to your home as you will ever be.

another random thought flickers through my mind, words borrowed from another similar soul - all is one, and nothing is separate.

read your post and it brought back treasured memories of the times i went to queensland - with my family and with my mates. smiled a big smile as i heard your shoutout to me - felt a warm fuzzy enter my being to be included in the lyrics of your words, something your obviously passionate about. thanks =p

..............realised that as i looked at you do your thing on youtube with passion....call me crazy, but i could see that in your eyes, i could already see deep pools of sadness of being away from the place where your heart and soul call 'home' reflected by your eyes.

yeah i know, the last part is weird and random. but i follow my inner soul and it's never let me down. i think you miss 'home' the same way that i do.

this time around though, i feel a little better knowing that there's a kiwi full of soul - living and breathin at the place i call home. treating her with as much love and respect as i do in his home.

until next post .....

fragments of thought persistently invade my every thought
soaking through my waking dream....

the last to linger in Selene's luminous company
.....closed my eyes
..................took a picture in my mind
...............................a memory frozen in time
of catching moon beams
whilst riding with Selene on her silver chariot
playing peek-a-boo with the stars on this cloudless night
.................................................opened my eyes and whispered my thanks to Selene for her company this night

Sunlight filters through the clouds of dawn
breath cathes in my throat
as another dream of mine melts away into the harsh light of day
The first to welcome and bask in Apollo's radiance
.........smiled the smile I'm known for

Falling and landing on a sunlit cloud.....
paused for a ride and became one with it

Trying to gather these crazy thoughts
when it hit me.....

If I were an arrow
I'd aim towards my dreams
Focus my scope
.........and slice through all this confusion and hope
A moment in time..........
.............................a focused shot

If I were an arrow
I'd aim for the stars for you to see
I'd take aim and shoot
So my dreams won't melt away
with the moonbeams and starlight

I'd aim an arrow ....
......................................right
............................................................ at
.................................................................................>>>>me<<<<<
Slice through the walls I hide behind
Just so you can see the world as I see it
Feel as I feel
Dream as I dream
Enjoy life and every breathing moment as I do
Bare your heart as I do
.........and experience what it's like to live in my innocent bubble
Live the life of a dreamer......yeh thats me

Stayed too long on this cloud....
to find that I drifted towards some rain clouds
............became one with it
.....................transformed into a raindrop instead

Holding on to this cloud
only to find that I've let go
.......and I'm falling once again
© Ethel Sampang 2007

life and it's lemons

It's funny how when life throws lemons at you (when all you wanted was a strawberry) - that you loose yourself in the typical fashion when it happens. Depending on the type of lemon you get, reactions can range from indifference, to one of outrage, and in most cases a mixture of anger and frustration. This is usually the part when I loose sight of why I got the lemon in the first place. I must say that I've had my fair share of lemons in the various paths that I have chosen. Usually, I shrug and accept the lemon for what it is nd try to make lemonade out of it - because there is no way on earth that I can give the lemon back. In every case, it was the lemon that I needed back then and not the strawberry.

I've recently come to realise that while the process of accepting lifes lemons and making lemonade out of it can be at times a painful experience on my own. It is less painful and, more rewarding and if I think about it fun (in a weird way) when I share this experiencewith special individuals that I've come to treasure in my life.

So maybe that lemon was really meant to be a swet suprise, wrapped in disguise. That in sharing the experience with these special people helps me appreciate the lemon for what it really is.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

in the midst of a daydream
i was gifted by thoughts of you

so i whispered to the wind
to carry my smile
to where ever you are

looked up to the sun
became aware once more
of it's warm embrace
asked it to shine
right here
right now
in your space right now

felt Zephyrus' gentle touch across my face
whispered to him once more
begged pretty please
if i could add....
a kiss
and a hug
with that smile
i've just given to you
© Ethel Sampang 2007

if you wake to the sound of birds
singing a harmony, lyrics known only to them
ssshhhh
listen close
close your eyes
open wide
set your spirit free
you'll feel the beauty of their song
feel its warm steady beat wash over you
..... you'll hear their secret song for what it is

it's a song to celebrate life
a witty little ditty
in anticipation of the rising sun
a cheerful fare thee well to the lonesome moon
a cheerful hello to who ever bothers to listen to their song
a beautiful ode to the mother of all things

i hope that for just one moment in time
time freezes for you just as it did for me
and if it does....
grab a hold of that smile
remember the beauty of this simple song
hold it close
don't let go
and share this secret
to the one that needs it most
© Ethel Sampang 2007

my chimera

hold me in your arms tonight
whisper in my ear
and tell me that everythings going to be alright
hold me close
sing me a lullaby
wrap your arms around me
and just hold me

i can feel myself slipping away
fighting a losing battle
just barely holding on

breathless
on edge
struggling to take that next breath

distressed
disturbed
alone
undone
hold me tight
be my borrowed strength for this night

don't let go
coz i just might slip away
terrified
demoralised
distraught

that if i lose my grip
i might never find the strength to come back
be forever lost in never never land

tell me a story as you hold me
take me back in your safe haven

tell me again that everythings going to be alright
that angels and fairy dust are real
tell me that wishes do come true

because now you have me
and i have you

remind me again of the dreamer that is me
call her back and make her whole again
hold me tight as you call her back
give my logic strength
as i reach out to hold my dreamers hand

breathe confidence in me
as we both find the strength to fly as one

wrap us both gently in your song
take from me this weakness and despair

hold me close
don't ever let me go

lay me gently down to sleep
to dream as a dreamer should

so that when i wake to realitys call
i would remember that
..............
as a sign of small trust
i reached out
and held my own hand

as i walked this path
of ephemeral insanity
© Ethel Sampang 2007

It used to be....
That when I closed my eyes...
I could remember you -
Just like so.

I used to be able to take myself back
Back to the simple elegance of our secret melody
I used to let it wash over me
I used to let it take me away
Soaking it all in

So I could remember you -
Just like so

Until I've had enough
Until I was ready
To let the memory go
Once again
And will myself back

Floating between
A world of wishful dreams
And wakefulness
Struggling to leave this memory behind

I opened my eyes
And I loose my breath

Beyond the noise of reality
I could hear our melody

And if I choose to look
Or if I'm caught unaware
I can see an image
Of you
Of me
Of "us"

Images of what once was
Come back to haunt me on this day

When it used to be
Just a memory
That all I needed to do
Was close my eyes
And remember -
Just like so
© Ethel Sampang 2007

Been running from my thoughts for the past few days. Dodging and weaving from persistent thoughts, hoping against hope that I don't get pulled under to that place within. I can feel it slowly wrapping itself around me. Whispers of a dream, fragments of a wish, disjointed thoughts ..... all combining together into a persistent mist. Trailing after me, swirling itself around me in its sweet sweet melody. Holding me in a loose embrace. I can feel it slowly pull me under into a tight embrace. Struggling to break free, losing grip of my hold to lifes reality. Where logic and my eyes are wide open and my soul kept safe. I hold on tight for dear life, better this for now than to let my soul free.

And so I break free....for now. With a depth of sorrow I can not express, I will myself to drown out the mournful cries of my soul. I square my shoulders as a soldier would and I forge on ahead. And as I gather strength to go on, I continue my mantra. Not much longer now, just a little longer till I set you free. Not much longer now.....

To the select few who give me strength when I need it most at times like this - my thanks to you comes from deep within. In your own random ways, each of you gift me with brief bursts of joy that my soul drinks in. And yes, incase you've wondered, this thanks includes the one with hot pink cushions in his lounge. You are a gem of a find - be warned, for now that I have found you, I'm keeping you safe within my circle of "select few".

Although my words echo this melancholy sadness of my soul, smile for me. Because in each of you I take what joy there is left for me to enjoy and I drink it all in - just until this tempest within resides. Hoping that one day, I can do the same for you as what you have done (and keep doing) for me.

A ghost of a smile touches my face and slowly takes hold as I think of you all. Where ever you all are, my love goes out to you all - for this gift we share.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

be careful what you wish for

Another week is passing me by and I find myself completing yet another full circle. One step closer to my goals, two steps further from what matters most and three steps closer to truth which I desperately try to avoid.

As I look back past my shoulder, I come to realise just how far I've come. All that I've achieved and endured on this road I've travelled - on this emotional roller coaster ride called life. I realise that it was all meant to be.

Those times where I've travelled this road in the dark, crying bloody tears as I stumbled along, not knowing how long I can hold on. How I wished what I thought were silly little daydreams. Wishing for happier times, not being alone and finding a love worth fighting for - this silly little girl still hasn't learnt enough to know that those things are just wishful dreams, stuff that belongs in childrens fairy tales. Life isn't like that.

Whispers of a distant memory come to mind. That time when I broke down, losing the will to go on. Desperate and alone, with barely enough breath left in me to to force myself to get up. To this day I sometimes wonder how I managed in that time of darkness.

In it's own twisted way, it was all meant to be.

Because now, I have all that I had wished for and more in that time of darkness. No longer do I travel a harsh oppressive road full of despair and sorrow, pain and disappointment. I find myself walking along a path full of promises of good things to come. This road I now travel is much smoother, dotted here and there with pretty little flowers, so that every now and then - I can stop and admire their vibrant beauty before moving on.

So why this heavy empty sadness that resides within my soul??

Silly little fool, I know the answer. Despite my best efforts I keep asking myself why - why this heavy sadness that resides within?? When I know the answer. Knowing that when I ask myself this, I'm still not ready to face the truth to that which I desperately try to hide from. I don't know which saddens me more, blindly ignoring the truth or justifying the reasons as to why I do.

"Be careful what you wish for." Someone once said. "You'll get what you ask for and more"

So I brace myself for another week as I mentally prepare for all the things I've crammed for the week in the hopes it keeps me too busy to ask myself "why?" Hoping that all the things which I keep myself busy both in mind, body and spirit will be enough to keep me from feeling this empty sadness I have within my soul.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

criss crossing paths

Crossing paths today with an old and cherished friend, whom I thought I had lost through time and distance, was for me, one of those sweet treasures you find along the way that you keep with you. Lost in the moment of joy, laughter, reminiscing in the memories of our youth, I remember what it was like not to have a care in the world, still innocent and untouched by cynisism and the harsh realities of life.

Towards the end of this random reunion, I can't help but ponder at her parting words. That to this day, I'm still wearing my golden halo. Upon further discussion she tells me in our childhood, I was the one that all the girls envied the most and wanted to be bestfriends with - the prettiest girl that had everything she could ever want. That the best that life had to give was given to me on a silver platter. And that looking at me now, I'm still that pretty girl that everyone wants to be with.

So now I find myself remembering an old saying "be careful what you wish for...you might get more than what you ask" or something to that effect. How long have I been wishing, praying, hoping - not for that golden halo. But an easier path. Those times where I thought I was losing it, times when I could barely keep it together, times when I've been so broken down and demoralised I didn't think I had the strength to carry on - that I wished with all that I had, for something else other than the pain and sorrow my heart was filled with.

All I want is to sing my song, a melody to sweep me away in its own wondrous embrace.... is that too much to ask?

© Ethel Sampang 2007

To the select few who have read my previous post and have called/emailed their comments - thank you. There isn't enough words in English for me to express how I feel about the friendships I share with each of you and how much I treasure them.

in the quiet of this night
I desperately grab the remnants of my broken soul
shredded and torn beyond recognition
that I don't recognise who I've become
screams of agony escape my bloody lips
as I remember....
a gush of visions flood my soul
over and over
as i relive....
those moments behind closed doors
taking what you want
those silent looks
a preview of the intense fierceness that you are capable of
those nights as I curled into myself
feeling so dirty
so unclean
thinking that it would have been better if you'd atleast drugged me
or knocked me out with those fists you find so useful
wishing that you had beaten me senseless instead of this
crying myself to sleep
wishing that you really mean it this time
when you say its the last time
when you say you're sorry
when you say you love me
i close my eyes
and wish that all you've said was true
collapsing in pain
as wave after wave of pain washes over me
taking me away and tossing me along
and i loose myself in its violent current
until it stops

and i find myself
back to where i am
lost
alone
desperate
and broken
head hanging limp
shoulders slumped
on my hands and knees
fighting myself to get it together
because i can't take this anymore
and I don't know just how long
I can keep this up

© Ethel Sampang 2004

Another week is passing by. And I find myself completing yet another full circle and as I look at my achievements, all that I have and what I'm close to achieving - I realise that I have everything that I could possible want and more. As I look over my shoulder, I can see that I've left behind the harsh and rocky path I've been travelling on. As I look ahead all I can see is nothing but good things to come, my path is smoother, it's even dotted here and there with pretty flowers so I can stop every now and then to admire their vibrant beauty.

I thought that this was enough, but recently I've come to realise that despite how far I've come, all that I have - it's still not enough. I'm still left with a missing puzzle.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

a memory

a dream within a deam

i find myself coming to you

surrounding me as the air that i breathe

fill my body

with yoursmellyourtasteyourtouchyoursightyoursound

dancing naked in our fragility

walking hand in hand

to the sound of crashing waves

hold me just like so

and let me absorb you

all of you

yoursmellyourtasteyourtouchyoursightyoursound

so that when i close my eyes

i can remember you

just like so

when i think of you

©Ethel Sampang 2007

flickering shadows

dancing through my mind

echoed by a longing in my soul

mind

body

and soul

desperately

reaching out

seeking

wanting

needing

longing

so near

yet so far

© Ethel Sampang 2007

the randomness of cyberspace

In response to request from a "friend" on myspace.....

Thanks for the add =)

Don't know what to say right now because I'm quite moved at the depth that you have written in your blog. I guess I can relate because I do the same, but not with the simple elegance of your writing style.

It's been a while since I've come to myspace, facebook took over and that's where I've been for a while.

Lost in the randomness of visiting myspace, I came across your request. Lost further sitll in this randomness as I came to visit your space. In my moment of aloness, I forgot my oneness as I got lost at the depth and simple grace of your words.

Weird how cyberspace can sometimes work hand in hand with the funnyness of life - because as psychotic as this sounds, I believe that things happen for a reason. The randomness of this chance encounter on cyber space into the world of your words, was a soothing balm that I need, right here, in this space that I'm in right now.

So I guess in a round abouts way, I'm saying thanks at the way in which your words have somehow managed to temporarily soothe the temptest which resides within my soul at this time.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

Reflections

When you look at me
What do you see?
Do you see my broken soul?
Do you see me wrapped in chains?
Do you see me trapped within my own self inflicted fears?
Do you see the wounds that I bear?
Do you see my pain?

Can't stand to look in mirrors
Can't bear the look in my eyes
So full of pain
Of stolen innocence
Of memories too painful to forget

So I hide behind a smile
And pretend that everything is alright
So that maybe
Eventually
I won't have to pretend

I hate this thing I've become
Can't seem to find the beauty of who I once was
Have I come to look as destroyed as I feel?

When you look at me
What do you see?
What have I become?

© Ethel Sampang 2002

Riffling through the pages of my past, I came across this page in my book. It's been a lifetime since then, I still remember that exact moment in time when I wrote this. And as I look back over my shoulder, I smile a bitter sweet smile. How broken did I feel back then. Lost and drowning in a sea of despair, losing the strength to find my will to go on. God, how bleak life was to me back then. I had never thought I'd see the light of day again. I didn't think I could go on doing it on my own. But here I stand, smiling this bitter sweet smile, insanely glad that I got through it all - somehow. Because without that pain, I wouldn't have had the strength to get through all the other hardships I've had to get through since then. Knowing that without those periods in my life, I wouldn't have this wall of strength that I've come to rely on so much.

nagging thoughts

In this moment in time, nagging thoughts buzz through my mind, distracting me from important things in the "now" that I need to focus on. Forcing my thoughts to turn inwards.....

In the space of a heart beat choices are made. Most of us do it all the time without knowing it. The ones that we consciously make, especially for things that matter to us most - takes a lot more thought and self reflection, taking a wholistic view of this choice and what it will mean in our life and the changes it will make in our path, if any. Is it going to be that small pebble that although small in size, start a small domino affect of change? Or just a large rock thrown in our pool? Making a big splash of things. That once things die down, you realise that the big splash didn't make such a big impact after all. As aware we are and well thought out these choices are made, usually there is one or two that we make that still manage to surprise us. Because it's not until later on, that you come to realise the significance of the choice you've made and the impact it has had on the path you travel. There really is nothing left to do but make the best of what you've got. Because after all, it is only through change that we grow, however painful it is at times.

The tempest within howls with frustration, rage and sorrow as I gather my strength and clear my mind so I can tear myself away and force myself into the "now". And I tell myself once again...."not right now, just a little while to go, please just hold on tight. There isn't enough of me right now."

© Ethel Sampang 2007

i close my eyes
and i
f
a
l
l
into myself
into a space
that i thought would always be
Empty

holding my breath
i submerge myself
in what once was
what could be
what may not be for now
who knows??

paths converging
as would be lovers
become lovers
of mind
body
and soul
two becoming one
in that split second in time

f
r
e
e
f
a
l
l
ing

for one beautiful moment
in the fabric of life ...
two souls merging as one - yet still holding its own identity

visiting that secret place
of what could be
and now what once was

just checking once again
that this empty space
now a secret place
that this presence
of me
of you
and the us
was real
and not something
that my lonely soul imagined

© Ethel Sampang 2007

one moment in time

In the crazyness of the path I've plotted for myself, with all thats going on, I find little time to attend to the other, more equally important things that are as equally important to me. Strangely enough, this other thing is tied to the core of who and what I am. But for now, there are other things that are more immediate and can not wait - that I must attend to. As hard as it is for me not to have a balance, it's something I have to cope with until it's the right time for me to turn to this other thing I've pushed back.

As exhausted as I am, both physically and mentally at the end of each day, still my thoughts turn inwards to that which I'm setting aside and there are times that it keeps me up - a lingering pestering presence in my consciousness, creeping in my soul, as I try to drift into an exhausted sleep. As frustrating as this is, it'll have to wait.

I don't know if this blog thing will appease it, hopefully it will, because the sleepless nights are starting to wear me down.

I've also started to write stuff. I don't really know what to call it. I don't really see my writing as a poem or anything of that sort. That stuff just seems to flow out from inside of me. Irritating at times because the need to write overcomes me and all thought and concentration on an essay I'm trying to write, a journal article I'm trying to read, an assignment I'm trying to finish is pushed back and put on hold. And I find myself writing, semi conscious of the content that I'm writing. Unsure and at times scared at the depth of emotions that I feel as I read what I've written. For what it's worth, I'm sure it'll help me figure things out, when I come back to this place. When I've taken care of the things that I need to take care of that were immediate.

For now, I continue on this path. Crammed to the core with things to keep me busy in the hopes that I'm too busy to be thinking about how lonely I am at times. Hoping against hope, that some of the things I've substituted, will give me some semblance of the "balance" that I know I need, but for now must wait.

© Ethel Sampang 2007