be careful what you wish for

Another week is passing me by and I find myself completing yet another full circle. One step closer to my goals, two steps further from what matters most and three steps closer to truth which I desperately try to avoid.

As I look back past my shoulder, I come to realise just how far I've come. All that I've achieved and endured on this road I've travelled - on this emotional roller coaster ride called life. I realise that it was all meant to be.

Those times where I've travelled this road in the dark, crying bloody tears as I stumbled along, not knowing how long I can hold on. How I wished what I thought were silly little daydreams. Wishing for happier times, not being alone and finding a love worth fighting for - this silly little girl still hasn't learnt enough to know that those things are just wishful dreams, stuff that belongs in childrens fairy tales. Life isn't like that.

Whispers of a distant memory come to mind. That time when I broke down, losing the will to go on. Desperate and alone, with barely enough breath left in me to to force myself to get up. To this day I sometimes wonder how I managed in that time of darkness.

In it's own twisted way, it was all meant to be.

Because now, I have all that I had wished for and more in that time of darkness. No longer do I travel a harsh oppressive road full of despair and sorrow, pain and disappointment. I find myself walking along a path full of promises of good things to come. This road I now travel is much smoother, dotted here and there with pretty little flowers, so that every now and then - I can stop and admire their vibrant beauty before moving on.

So why this heavy empty sadness that resides within my soul??

Silly little fool, I know the answer. Despite my best efforts I keep asking myself why - why this heavy sadness that resides within?? When I know the answer. Knowing that when I ask myself this, I'm still not ready to face the truth to that which I desperately try to hide from. I don't know which saddens me more, blindly ignoring the truth or justifying the reasons as to why I do.

"Be careful what you wish for." Someone once said. "You'll get what you ask for and more"

So I brace myself for another week as I mentally prepare for all the things I've crammed for the week in the hopes it keeps me too busy to ask myself "why?" Hoping that all the things which I keep myself busy both in mind, body and spirit will be enough to keep me from feeling this empty sadness I have within my soul.

© Ethel Sampang 2007