one moment in time

In the crazyness of the path I've plotted for myself, with all thats going on, I find little time to attend to the other, more equally important things that are as equally important to me. Strangely enough, this other thing is tied to the core of who and what I am. But for now, there are other things that are more immediate and can not wait - that I must attend to. As hard as it is for me not to have a balance, it's something I have to cope with until it's the right time for me to turn to this other thing I've pushed back.

As exhausted as I am, both physically and mentally at the end of each day, still my thoughts turn inwards to that which I'm setting aside and there are times that it keeps me up - a lingering pestering presence in my consciousness, creeping in my soul, as I try to drift into an exhausted sleep. As frustrating as this is, it'll have to wait.

I don't know if this blog thing will appease it, hopefully it will, because the sleepless nights are starting to wear me down.

I've also started to write stuff. I don't really know what to call it. I don't really see my writing as a poem or anything of that sort. That stuff just seems to flow out from inside of me. Irritating at times because the need to write overcomes me and all thought and concentration on an essay I'm trying to write, a journal article I'm trying to read, an assignment I'm trying to finish is pushed back and put on hold. And I find myself writing, semi conscious of the content that I'm writing. Unsure and at times scared at the depth of emotions that I feel as I read what I've written. For what it's worth, I'm sure it'll help me figure things out, when I come back to this place. When I've taken care of the things that I need to take care of that were immediate.

For now, I continue on this path. Crammed to the core with things to keep me busy in the hopes that I'm too busy to be thinking about how lonely I am at times. Hoping against hope, that some of the things I've substituted, will give me some semblance of the "balance" that I know I need, but for now must wait.

© Ethel Sampang 2007