let go of me
keep your reasons for me to stay
i've heard it all before
l e t me g o
.........you no longer have a hold over me

let me go
it's time for you to save yourself from yourself
time for me to take care of myself

give me back my hand
i'm tired of holding yours through all of your tears
tired of fighting away all of your fears
tired of you having all of me

get out
get out
get...........
....................... out
................................. of my space
i don't need you here anymore

you take up too much space
..........and i can't take it anymore

give me back that lifeline
i'd rather be on my own
........than be with someone like you
© Ethel Sampang 2007

just one last goodbye

just wanted to say goodbye
...........one last time

to the one who held me close
to the one who wrapped me in his safe embrace
.........just one last goodbye

realised now.....
that i've let you go.....
not sure when this happened
......but it has

so now when i listen
i can barely hear the noble melody that is you

for what it's worth......
i loved you for what you are
......loved you with all that i had to give

a whispered farewell
to the memory of what once was
© Ethel Sampang 2007

pretzel shaped box

drawn away from never never land
a place for my soul to breathe
a home away from home
this lonely dreamers paradise

found myself lost
inside this pretzel shaped box
wondering round and round
this pretzel shaped box

cast me not away
save me from this box
i can't bear it all alone
say you'll be with me
coz i know i can't bear this all on my own

tired of hiding my fears away
cried enough tears to wash it all away
.............yet still i'm here
lost inside this pretzel shaped box
trying to find my way back to paradise

bound by my fears
blinded by the truth inside of me

just trying to find my way back to never never land
a place for my tired soul to rest
a home away from home
this lonely dreamers paradise.
© Ethel Sampang 2007

I've been away for some time and I didn't know it. I've put on the mask I wear so well and took a trip inside of myself and was lost at the chaos within. This raging tempest in me took me in its grip and carried me away.

I find myself at the centre.

My own heart breaking at the destruction I see within me.......layers upon layers of pain. Some burried for good, other much much older. And I wonder why they just won't heal.

Is this the reason why I strain so hard to see the beautyof the birds and the bees? Is this why I can barely hear the soft whispered conversation between the trees and the wind?

26th september 2007
wednesday 8ish pm
© Ethel Sampang 2007

21st august 2007
9ish pm

As I sit here reflecting......

Huddled against the cold, my mind looks inwards.

Oblivious to the steps of the individuals on their way home, the harried footsteps of couples as they try and make it to their dinner reservation on time........or the slow leisurely steps of a group of friends on their way for a short get together over drinks at a bar somewhere close. As each of them pass me by, faint echoes of their world brushes past me.

Just another nameless face in the sea of humanity.

It seems a lifetime has passed since the last time I've looked deep into myself. The previous times are too painful to remember.

Not because it's fresh.

Because upon looking back I got lost in the pain. In this time I had lost control.

I was scared, lonely confused and hurt beyond compare.

I don't know if I'm keeping it together.

Scared that I'll somehow loose the grip I've got.

Figuring out what it is I'm doing just to keep it together.

Lost.Broken.Empty.Fragmented.Desolate.Scared.

These are just a few words to describe the space I'm in right now.
© Ethel Sampang 2007

sssshhhh

sssshhhh
hold still
stay where you are
don't come any closer

a mournful melody of you
follows me this day
it's got me wrapped round tight
in its hollow embrace

i hear you calling
i see your your shadow in all the things
i say and do this day

even in death your love lingers on.....

ssshhh
stay where you are
don't come any closer

your presence in my mind
leads me to the softly spoken words
you gifted me as you
.............................. slowly
...........................................drifted
...................................................................away
from me

sssshhhh
stay where you are
don't come any closer

memories of you
is too much for me to bear right now

your presence in my heart
..........tortures me
...................kills me slowly
...........................breaking me down
...................................tearing me up
...........................................driving me insane

a pool of tears gathered from a phoenix
wasn't enough to save you

the desperate cries of my broken soul
couldn't bring you back

............even in death our bond stays strong

your presence at this time
makes my heart bleed
a thorn in my heart
a painful reminder of how much i miss you

even in death you draw me to your side
right down to that last time
..........as i watched them lay you down
on the soft brown earth
as i said my last goodbye

ssshhhh
hold still
stay where you are
don't come any closer

it hurts too damn much
to be missing you right now
© Ethel Sampang 2007

hey...

been sitting here a while, at a loss for your loss....

while previously i sat, thoughts swimming languidly amongst 'falling for Angles, only to rise to the sun.' until i read 'if i were a G U N'

as i think and feel for your loss. i pluck these words from the depths of my soul for you.....

"i'd be that Angel for you this day. swoop down to you and pluck you from the darkness of the rat race. take you for a ride as you freestyle amongst the clouds. take you to a space where your soul can take the breath it needs to lift the heaviness it carries. i'll take you back to where you lay, just before the waking world claims you back. but before i leave, i'll leave you with the memory of.........walking on clouds, freestyling away as your soul soars through the starlit sky. with an Angel shadowing your flight amongst the heavens, waiting until your soul has found the peace to breathe free from loss."

much love to you and yours

all is one and nothing is separate

had a passing thought of you as i lay me down to sleep this night.....random thoughts streaming through my head - innocence and sweet sacrifice were most dominat as they screamed through my head, bouncing and reverbrating inside my mind. don't ask me why right now, perhaps later i can tell you as i unpuzzle the heaviness that weighs my heart down this night.

had a totally laxing day with my two nephews - revelling and basking in their youthful innocence. giving them the love and adoration that their only living aunt/godmother could ever give.

but if i were really honest....all the things i did today was because on this day, my heart cried a deep longing for home. sydney. the place my soul is forever tied to.

...................and i thought of you because although your not in sydney, your as close to my 'home' as i will ever be right now. living and breathing in the place i call home.....and here i am.......living and breathing in good old auckland, as close to your home as you will ever be.

another random thought flickers through my mind, words borrowed from another similar soul - all is one, and nothing is separate.

read your post and it brought back treasured memories of the times i went to queensland - with my family and with my mates. smiled a big smile as i heard your shoutout to me - felt a warm fuzzy enter my being to be included in the lyrics of your words, something your obviously passionate about. thanks =p

..............realised that as i looked at you do your thing on youtube with passion....call me crazy, but i could see that in your eyes, i could already see deep pools of sadness of being away from the place where your heart and soul call 'home' reflected by your eyes.

yeah i know, the last part is weird and random. but i follow my inner soul and it's never let me down. i think you miss 'home' the same way that i do.

this time around though, i feel a little better knowing that there's a kiwi full of soul - living and breathin at the place i call home. treating her with as much love and respect as i do in his home.

until next post .....

fragments of thought persistently invade my every thought
soaking through my waking dream....

the last to linger in Selene's luminous company
.....closed my eyes
..................took a picture in my mind
...............................a memory frozen in time
of catching moon beams
whilst riding with Selene on her silver chariot
playing peek-a-boo with the stars on this cloudless night
.................................................opened my eyes and whispered my thanks to Selene for her company this night

Sunlight filters through the clouds of dawn
breath cathes in my throat
as another dream of mine melts away into the harsh light of day
The first to welcome and bask in Apollo's radiance
.........smiled the smile I'm known for

Falling and landing on a sunlit cloud.....
paused for a ride and became one with it

Trying to gather these crazy thoughts
when it hit me.....

If I were an arrow
I'd aim towards my dreams
Focus my scope
.........and slice through all this confusion and hope
A moment in time..........
.............................a focused shot

If I were an arrow
I'd aim for the stars for you to see
I'd take aim and shoot
So my dreams won't melt away
with the moonbeams and starlight

I'd aim an arrow ....
......................................right
............................................................ at
.................................................................................>>>>me<<<<<
Slice through the walls I hide behind
Just so you can see the world as I see it
Feel as I feel
Dream as I dream
Enjoy life and every breathing moment as I do
Bare your heart as I do
.........and experience what it's like to live in my innocent bubble
Live the life of a dreamer......yeh thats me

Stayed too long on this cloud....
to find that I drifted towards some rain clouds
............became one with it
.....................transformed into a raindrop instead

Holding on to this cloud
only to find that I've let go
.......and I'm falling once again
© Ethel Sampang 2007

life and it's lemons

It's funny how when life throws lemons at you (when all you wanted was a strawberry) - that you loose yourself in the typical fashion when it happens. Depending on the type of lemon you get, reactions can range from indifference, to one of outrage, and in most cases a mixture of anger and frustration. This is usually the part when I loose sight of why I got the lemon in the first place. I must say that I've had my fair share of lemons in the various paths that I have chosen. Usually, I shrug and accept the lemon for what it is nd try to make lemonade out of it - because there is no way on earth that I can give the lemon back. In every case, it was the lemon that I needed back then and not the strawberry.

I've recently come to realise that while the process of accepting lifes lemons and making lemonade out of it can be at times a painful experience on my own. It is less painful and, more rewarding and if I think about it fun (in a weird way) when I share this experiencewith special individuals that I've come to treasure in my life.

So maybe that lemon was really meant to be a swet suprise, wrapped in disguise. That in sharing the experience with these special people helps me appreciate the lemon for what it really is.

© Ethel Sampang 2007