be careful what you wish for

Another week is passing me by and I find myself completing yet another full circle. One step closer to my goals, two steps further from what matters most and three steps closer to truth which I desperately try to avoid.

As I look back past my shoulder, I come to realise just how far I've come. All that I've achieved and endured on this road I've travelled - on this emotional roller coaster ride called life. I realise that it was all meant to be.

Those times where I've travelled this road in the dark, crying bloody tears as I stumbled along, not knowing how long I can hold on. How I wished what I thought were silly little daydreams. Wishing for happier times, not being alone and finding a love worth fighting for - this silly little girl still hasn't learnt enough to know that those things are just wishful dreams, stuff that belongs in childrens fairy tales. Life isn't like that.

Whispers of a distant memory come to mind. That time when I broke down, losing the will to go on. Desperate and alone, with barely enough breath left in me to to force myself to get up. To this day I sometimes wonder how I managed in that time of darkness.

In it's own twisted way, it was all meant to be.

Because now, I have all that I had wished for and more in that time of darkness. No longer do I travel a harsh oppressive road full of despair and sorrow, pain and disappointment. I find myself walking along a path full of promises of good things to come. This road I now travel is much smoother, dotted here and there with pretty little flowers, so that every now and then - I can stop and admire their vibrant beauty before moving on.

So why this heavy empty sadness that resides within my soul??

Silly little fool, I know the answer. Despite my best efforts I keep asking myself why - why this heavy sadness that resides within?? When I know the answer. Knowing that when I ask myself this, I'm still not ready to face the truth to that which I desperately try to hide from. I don't know which saddens me more, blindly ignoring the truth or justifying the reasons as to why I do.

"Be careful what you wish for." Someone once said. "You'll get what you ask for and more"

So I brace myself for another week as I mentally prepare for all the things I've crammed for the week in the hopes it keeps me too busy to ask myself "why?" Hoping that all the things which I keep myself busy both in mind, body and spirit will be enough to keep me from feeling this empty sadness I have within my soul.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

criss crossing paths

Crossing paths today with an old and cherished friend, whom I thought I had lost through time and distance, was for me, one of those sweet treasures you find along the way that you keep with you. Lost in the moment of joy, laughter, reminiscing in the memories of our youth, I remember what it was like not to have a care in the world, still innocent and untouched by cynisism and the harsh realities of life.

Towards the end of this random reunion, I can't help but ponder at her parting words. That to this day, I'm still wearing my golden halo. Upon further discussion she tells me in our childhood, I was the one that all the girls envied the most and wanted to be bestfriends with - the prettiest girl that had everything she could ever want. That the best that life had to give was given to me on a silver platter. And that looking at me now, I'm still that pretty girl that everyone wants to be with.

So now I find myself remembering an old saying "be careful what you wish for...you might get more than what you ask" or something to that effect. How long have I been wishing, praying, hoping - not for that golden halo. But an easier path. Those times where I thought I was losing it, times when I could barely keep it together, times when I've been so broken down and demoralised I didn't think I had the strength to carry on - that I wished with all that I had, for something else other than the pain and sorrow my heart was filled with.

All I want is to sing my song, a melody to sweep me away in its own wondrous embrace.... is that too much to ask?

© Ethel Sampang 2007

To the select few who have read my previous post and have called/emailed their comments - thank you. There isn't enough words in English for me to express how I feel about the friendships I share with each of you and how much I treasure them.

in the quiet of this night
I desperately grab the remnants of my broken soul
shredded and torn beyond recognition
that I don't recognise who I've become
screams of agony escape my bloody lips
as I remember....
a gush of visions flood my soul
over and over
as i relive....
those moments behind closed doors
taking what you want
those silent looks
a preview of the intense fierceness that you are capable of
those nights as I curled into myself
feeling so dirty
so unclean
thinking that it would have been better if you'd atleast drugged me
or knocked me out with those fists you find so useful
wishing that you had beaten me senseless instead of this
crying myself to sleep
wishing that you really mean it this time
when you say its the last time
when you say you're sorry
when you say you love me
i close my eyes
and wish that all you've said was true
collapsing in pain
as wave after wave of pain washes over me
taking me away and tossing me along
and i loose myself in its violent current
until it stops

and i find myself
back to where i am
lost
alone
desperate
and broken
head hanging limp
shoulders slumped
on my hands and knees
fighting myself to get it together
because i can't take this anymore
and I don't know just how long
I can keep this up

© Ethel Sampang 2004

Another week is passing by. And I find myself completing yet another full circle and as I look at my achievements, all that I have and what I'm close to achieving - I realise that I have everything that I could possible want and more. As I look over my shoulder, I can see that I've left behind the harsh and rocky path I've been travelling on. As I look ahead all I can see is nothing but good things to come, my path is smoother, it's even dotted here and there with pretty flowers so I can stop every now and then to admire their vibrant beauty.

I thought that this was enough, but recently I've come to realise that despite how far I've come, all that I have - it's still not enough. I'm still left with a missing puzzle.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

a memory

a dream within a deam

i find myself coming to you

surrounding me as the air that i breathe

fill my body

with yoursmellyourtasteyourtouchyoursightyoursound

dancing naked in our fragility

walking hand in hand

to the sound of crashing waves

hold me just like so

and let me absorb you

all of you

yoursmellyourtasteyourtouchyoursightyoursound

so that when i close my eyes

i can remember you

just like so

when i think of you

©Ethel Sampang 2007

flickering shadows

dancing through my mind

echoed by a longing in my soul

mind

body

and soul

desperately

reaching out

seeking

wanting

needing

longing

so near

yet so far

© Ethel Sampang 2007

the randomness of cyberspace

In response to request from a "friend" on myspace.....

Thanks for the add =)

Don't know what to say right now because I'm quite moved at the depth that you have written in your blog. I guess I can relate because I do the same, but not with the simple elegance of your writing style.

It's been a while since I've come to myspace, facebook took over and that's where I've been for a while.

Lost in the randomness of visiting myspace, I came across your request. Lost further sitll in this randomness as I came to visit your space. In my moment of aloness, I forgot my oneness as I got lost at the depth and simple grace of your words.

Weird how cyberspace can sometimes work hand in hand with the funnyness of life - because as psychotic as this sounds, I believe that things happen for a reason. The randomness of this chance encounter on cyber space into the world of your words, was a soothing balm that I need, right here, in this space that I'm in right now.

So I guess in a round abouts way, I'm saying thanks at the way in which your words have somehow managed to temporarily soothe the temptest which resides within my soul at this time.

© Ethel Sampang 2007

Reflections

When you look at me
What do you see?
Do you see my broken soul?
Do you see me wrapped in chains?
Do you see me trapped within my own self inflicted fears?
Do you see the wounds that I bear?
Do you see my pain?

Can't stand to look in mirrors
Can't bear the look in my eyes
So full of pain
Of stolen innocence
Of memories too painful to forget

So I hide behind a smile
And pretend that everything is alright
So that maybe
Eventually
I won't have to pretend

I hate this thing I've become
Can't seem to find the beauty of who I once was
Have I come to look as destroyed as I feel?

When you look at me
What do you see?
What have I become?

© Ethel Sampang 2002

Riffling through the pages of my past, I came across this page in my book. It's been a lifetime since then, I still remember that exact moment in time when I wrote this. And as I look back over my shoulder, I smile a bitter sweet smile. How broken did I feel back then. Lost and drowning in a sea of despair, losing the strength to find my will to go on. God, how bleak life was to me back then. I had never thought I'd see the light of day again. I didn't think I could go on doing it on my own. But here I stand, smiling this bitter sweet smile, insanely glad that I got through it all - somehow. Because without that pain, I wouldn't have had the strength to get through all the other hardships I've had to get through since then. Knowing that without those periods in my life, I wouldn't have this wall of strength that I've come to rely on so much.

nagging thoughts

In this moment in time, nagging thoughts buzz through my mind, distracting me from important things in the "now" that I need to focus on. Forcing my thoughts to turn inwards.....

In the space of a heart beat choices are made. Most of us do it all the time without knowing it. The ones that we consciously make, especially for things that matter to us most - takes a lot more thought and self reflection, taking a wholistic view of this choice and what it will mean in our life and the changes it will make in our path, if any. Is it going to be that small pebble that although small in size, start a small domino affect of change? Or just a large rock thrown in our pool? Making a big splash of things. That once things die down, you realise that the big splash didn't make such a big impact after all. As aware we are and well thought out these choices are made, usually there is one or two that we make that still manage to surprise us. Because it's not until later on, that you come to realise the significance of the choice you've made and the impact it has had on the path you travel. There really is nothing left to do but make the best of what you've got. Because after all, it is only through change that we grow, however painful it is at times.

The tempest within howls with frustration, rage and sorrow as I gather my strength and clear my mind so I can tear myself away and force myself into the "now". And I tell myself once again...."not right now, just a little while to go, please just hold on tight. There isn't enough of me right now."

© Ethel Sampang 2007

i close my eyes
and i
f
a
l
l
into myself
into a space
that i thought would always be
Empty

holding my breath
i submerge myself
in what once was
what could be
what may not be for now
who knows??

paths converging
as would be lovers
become lovers
of mind
body
and soul
two becoming one
in that split second in time

f
r
e
e
f
a
l
l
ing

for one beautiful moment
in the fabric of life ...
two souls merging as one - yet still holding its own identity

visiting that secret place
of what could be
and now what once was

just checking once again
that this empty space
now a secret place
that this presence
of me
of you
and the us
was real
and not something
that my lonely soul imagined

© Ethel Sampang 2007

one moment in time

In the crazyness of the path I've plotted for myself, with all thats going on, I find little time to attend to the other, more equally important things that are as equally important to me. Strangely enough, this other thing is tied to the core of who and what I am. But for now, there are other things that are more immediate and can not wait - that I must attend to. As hard as it is for me not to have a balance, it's something I have to cope with until it's the right time for me to turn to this other thing I've pushed back.

As exhausted as I am, both physically and mentally at the end of each day, still my thoughts turn inwards to that which I'm setting aside and there are times that it keeps me up - a lingering pestering presence in my consciousness, creeping in my soul, as I try to drift into an exhausted sleep. As frustrating as this is, it'll have to wait.

I don't know if this blog thing will appease it, hopefully it will, because the sleepless nights are starting to wear me down.

I've also started to write stuff. I don't really know what to call it. I don't really see my writing as a poem or anything of that sort. That stuff just seems to flow out from inside of me. Irritating at times because the need to write overcomes me and all thought and concentration on an essay I'm trying to write, a journal article I'm trying to read, an assignment I'm trying to finish is pushed back and put on hold. And I find myself writing, semi conscious of the content that I'm writing. Unsure and at times scared at the depth of emotions that I feel as I read what I've written. For what it's worth, I'm sure it'll help me figure things out, when I come back to this place. When I've taken care of the things that I need to take care of that were immediate.

For now, I continue on this path. Crammed to the core with things to keep me busy in the hopes that I'm too busy to be thinking about how lonely I am at times. Hoping against hope, that some of the things I've substituted, will give me some semblance of the "balance" that I know I need, but for now must wait.

© Ethel Sampang 2007