Reflections

When you look at me
What do you see?
Do you see my broken soul?
Do you see me wrapped in chains?
Do you see me trapped within my own self inflicted fears?
Do you see the wounds that I bear?
Do you see my pain?

Can't stand to look in mirrors
Can't bear the look in my eyes
So full of pain
Of stolen innocence
Of memories too painful to forget

So I hide behind a smile
And pretend that everything is alright
So that maybe
Eventually
I won't have to pretend

I hate this thing I've become
Can't seem to find the beauty of who I once was
Have I come to look as destroyed as I feel?

When you look at me
What do you see?
What have I become?

© Ethel Sampang 2002

Riffling through the pages of my past, I came across this page in my book. It's been a lifetime since then, I still remember that exact moment in time when I wrote this. And as I look back over my shoulder, I smile a bitter sweet smile. How broken did I feel back then. Lost and drowning in a sea of despair, losing the strength to find my will to go on. God, how bleak life was to me back then. I had never thought I'd see the light of day again. I didn't think I could go on doing it on my own. But here I stand, smiling this bitter sweet smile, insanely glad that I got through it all - somehow. Because without that pain, I wouldn't have had the strength to get through all the other hardships I've had to get through since then. Knowing that without those periods in my life, I wouldn't have this wall of strength that I've come to rely on so much.