in the quiet of this night
I desperately grab the remnants of my broken soul
shredded and torn beyond recognition
that I don't recognise who I've become
screams of agony escape my bloody lips
as I remember....
a gush of visions flood my soul
over and over
as i relive....
those moments behind closed doors
taking what you want
those silent looks
a preview of the intense fierceness that you are capable of
those nights as I curled into myself
feeling so dirty
so unclean
thinking that it would have been better if you'd atleast drugged me
or knocked me out with those fists you find so useful
wishing that you had beaten me senseless instead of this
crying myself to sleep
wishing that you really mean it this time
when you say its the last time
when you say you're sorry
when you say you love me
i close my eyes
and wish that all you've said was true
collapsing in pain
as wave after wave of pain washes over me
taking me away and tossing me along
and i loose myself in its violent current
until it stops

and i find myself
back to where i am
lost
alone
desperate
and broken
head hanging limp
shoulders slumped
on my hands and knees
fighting myself to get it together
because i can't take this anymore
and I don't know just how long
I can keep this up

© Ethel Sampang 2004